Musings of a 27-year-old
The rooftop of my 2 storey house smelled of roses and moist soil when I went for a walk today. Mummy has taken up gardening and she does a great work. As I walked on my terrace with the flowers and vegetable plants lined by the side, I couldn’t help but reminisce my childhood. Flashes of the 8-year-old me running on the terrace, playing dress-up or “ghar ghar” as we called it, the beautiful flower plants lined on my rooftop back then too. I was rejoicing the sweet nostalgia when something caught my mind, cantankerous noises inside my head telling me how simple life was back then. Well, was it really simple? No it wasn’t, I was just too immature and young to pay heed to things that were not going right in my life and this was a good thing. I was sent down a thought spiral, thinking about how life changed its course but we all continued running forward, why things happened the way they happened. Could I have done something to weep a little less and laugh a little more? I don’t know.
I was taken in the grasp of this overarching feeling of anxiety, my mind kept talking to me — you are 27 years old but somewhere you are still stuck at 8, You don’t have life figured out at all, you have grown physically but not mentally, your friends have babies, you are still single. I closed my eyes and said ENOUGH. I read a quote somewhere — “When your Mum taught you never to criticize anyone, she meant YOU too”. Hasn’t therapy taught you try to do a positive self-talk and keep trying till you succeed.
Just to appear cool, I will not go ahead to say that I instantly felt better. It took my own series of video calls and chats with my support systems and deep breathing exercises to calm down and that’s exactly when I realized that this very thing which happened was a personal goal in my life a couple of months ago. I was trying so hard to help myself out of such situations when they occurred and I finally succeeded. Negative thoughts will overpower you; it is completely untrue to say that there exists a person in this world doesn’t feel sad or question their worth at times but its you who has to help yourself out of it. When your inner voice sounds uncertain and asks you, what are you doing in life? Shout out loud, I am doing what I always wanted to do. Yes, it was my choice. It is my choice to keep the child in me alive, If I had not taken risks in life my life would have been so figured out but I believe in myself and hence I took the risks and Oh, it is absolutely my choice to be single.
Nobody in this world can dictate what is the right time to do things. Our society has taught us to get a job by 22, marry by 24, have a kid by 27, to mature with time, to take responsibilities and be what everyone else wants us to be. Well, ask yourself, Who the hell are they to decide what’s good for you? If anyone should be deciding when you should get married, when should you have kids, should you date casually or seriously or date at all, Its you. Its only you and no one else. In my pursuit of my dream career, I left my well-paying job and comfortable life in Chennai. It was my choice. In my pursuit of finding love and having a real relationship, I am still single (No, I will NEVER commit to anyone if I don’t love them) and you know what, I am okay with it. I am okay with this mess and chaos.
I know better than ever that everything in life — career, love, marriage, family comes to you at the right time and just for the sake of letting people think I have a perfect life, I am not going to meddle with the timelines universe has decided for me. I’ll wait and I’ll wait happily. As far as today’s anxiety is concerned — You see patterns in life, You’ll find yourself in situations which you have experienced earlier, I want you to know, Universe doesn’t do this to punish you, it does this to help you resolve your issues. I found solace within myself and helped myself out of my anxiety pang. It is a victory!
