Ever found yourself in a place where you have identified your weakness, known your demons, reached the root cause of your problem but you still can’t do the right thing. Why is doing the right thing so hard? First of all, is there anything like a right thing and a wrong thing? Well that’s debatable but for me the concept of right thing can be summed up in one line — You have to stay true to yourself, to your feelings, to your impulses, to your heart. But this gives rise to another interesting question — What if I am doing the right thing but there’s no real difference in my life, why are things not falling back to place if I am doing the right thing. That’s my favorite kind of question, the ones we ask ourselves, the ones for which the world cannot give us any answers because these answers lie within us.
Let’s look at it this way, you are madly in love with someone who claims he loves you but actually doesn’t give a shit about you. Many of you would say, the right thing to do is walk away but you find it difficult to walk away, you give in to his wishes when he wants to hold your hand and take you for a stroll down the beach or invites you for a sleepover because his roommates are out for the night. You try your best to say NO, to be the righteous person to shun his charm and his fake affection and block him from social media but alas you can’t. You give in, you always give in and end up feeling like a loser and you feel weak and you feel like you can never do the right thing. You try to do all of this, this tedious process of shutting your feelings, trying not to give in to your impulses for one simple reason -You want to get over him and you think this will help. Now, a small piece of advice, quite contrary to the ones this world will give you — If you really want to get over him, you don’t have to shut him out which is as opposed to what your heart suggests, rather you have to let him in. You have to let him and the hurt he causes reach every ounce of your being to truly be able to move on. You have to do exactly what your impulses tell you, what you long to do but in addition to that, you have do a simple little thing — You have to observe!
Yes, you read that right. For a lot of us, control is something that cannot be structured, or I would even go on to say, control is something that’s unhealthy. You suppress your desires today and they appear in a different form tomorrow. The spark you try to escape yesterday is the forest fire you see tomorrow. So, go ahead, give in to your desires, go sleep with that guy if you want to but observe what happens after that, what were the consequences of that action, did you end up feeling sad after that, was he not very much into you, was sleeping with him an action of yours that you did to feel better but ended up feeling more miserable. Reflect on it and keep the data with you. Next time if you want to meet him again, meet him but observe how your evening went, what kind of thoughts and emotions did the meet-up stir, did it increase your expectations from him only to be let down later? Reflect and keep the data. You see, if you open your eyes, give in to your heart and observe the consequences of your actions, control become unnecessary because with these mounds of data you already know what works for you and what doesn’t and its only a matter of time before a human being gets rid of what she knows doesn’t serve her in any way.
We give so much importance to our feelings, become our worst critic and judge ourselves for doing something we pledged to not do but healing doesn’t happen when you suppress. Yes, walking away from toxicity helps but it has to come from within, it cannot be forced. Once you observe your surroundings and your response, things become easier. You know, it will just be a matter of time before you feel it’s so worthless to go out with him or check his Instagram feed to just catch a glimpse of him because last time you did it, it led to you missing him and that led to you calling him during office hours and that led to him disconnecting your call and that led to you struggling with your anxiety pang. All of this, which was unnecessary but still somewhere necessary.
When you observe, when you understand yourself and when you keep putting in efforts, it takes you to a higher state of awareness where you know full well what serves you and what doesn’t. And this is the level of understanding you need to move on from anything/anyone. When you reach this place, nothing is forced, rather you choose things for yourself. You start doing things that bring in joy, you make friends and you dance to your favorite music, you cook mac and cheese and do a karaoke at home and as you do all this, the person you once loved who had such a brutal and strong grasp over your mind and heart starts slipping. He slips away from your mind slowly and steadily and falls into a corner of your heart where your friends reside or your acquaintances or your exes. You choose to keep him there as you go on with your life. Maybe every once in a while, you pause and take a moment to peep into that corner, then you smile in amusement at life’s beauty and resume living it.